Tell me I can't carry it.

Went to Target tonight on the scooter. Just because I think you will be impressed, here is the list of items I acquired and successfully transported home on the Vespa:

• A two pack of Bounty (Select-a-Size, natch)
• A set of queen sized jersey sheets
• Two standard pillows
• A pair of gloves (30% off!)
• One brown belt
• A two-pack of contact solution
• A plastic tub of moisty wipes
• One container of Tree Hut Shea Butter body crème
• Target brand pseudephredine (two boxes)
• Some hand lotion
• A replacement tap water filter
• Quart size Ziplocs
• Gallon size Ziplocs
• Something that just says “Target Brand” and I have no memory of what it is.

Heh. Ingenuity. Spatial relations.

Hey lady!

I love it.

Olympic was backed up. Completely. I descended the on-ramp off Ave of the Stars to find cars unable to merge into the clogged traffic on eastbound Olympic. I’m sure it was nose-to-asshole all the way back to the 405.

Circumnavigating the cars on the ramp, I glided between the lanes, down past Century Park East, moving gently between too many SUVs. I hate them. Their mirrors are higher than car mirrors and, while I make every effort to avoid touching them with my mirrors, it happens on occasion. As I made my way carefully, my right mirror happened to click against the left side mirror of some stupid white SUV.

Behind me, a voice - sounding a hell of a lot like Mickey Rooney - yelled out, “Hey lady! Watch what you’re doing!” Since I was moving slowly, I stopped, turned and replied coquettishly, “I’m sorry! I didn’t mean to!” Clutching his cell phone (of course!) to his right ear with his head out the window, he barked, “Don’t hit my car with that thing!”

That was the BEST. Hah.

“Come up here and tell me about it, buddy!” I replied. Then I turned, and continued threading my way through the miles of backup. The traffic was bumper to bumper all the way home. All the way up Olympic to La Cienega and San Vicente. Good luck catching up with me, SUV dude. You SUCK.